A Controversial Fallacy
by Gavedin
Summary: /Oneshot/ Who was the man behind the mask? An idiotic twist on the all the conjecture and rumors of who Tobi was before the big, not so surprising reveal. Possible(?) spoilers for those who are still unaware of the Masked Man's identity...


Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto I'd actually have Naruto get with someone since fanfiction already does a good job of putting him with everyone already and it wouldn't be that tough of a choice.

-Surely You Saw This Coming?-

Sharingan-enhanced vision unconsciously memorized every individual flake and crack as the white porcelain mask shattered under the might of clone-Naruto's rasengan. It was this moment, this very minute, where the true identity of the masked man would be revealed to the world. It was the very person responsible for so many tragedies over the years. And now, the mastermind behind the newest war against the hidden villages in his quest to rule the entirety of humanity.

Kakashi held suspicions for some time now regarding the Akatsuki member 'Tobi' or, as he himself recently revealed, the fabled Uchiha Madara. Things weren't adding up though; fingers continued to point towards the evidence right in front of his mismatched eyes. It was impossible. That boy was dead, long crushed and buried under a mass of boulders near Kusagakure's Kannabi Bridge. It was the scarecrow's own fault his teammate perished; the worn grass in front of the memorial stone could attest to the amount of time Kakashi spend lamenting over Obito's death.

It was also the very same moment which gifted him with the special doujutsu located in his left eye socket.

Who else could it be though? There was no way someone as old as Madara could still be around, or at least in such a young body. Somehow his Uchiha comrade _had_ to have survived. Hell, the name Tobi was just Obito it you removed an 'O' and switched the letters around! So when the swirl-featured helmet on their opponent's skull broke away and revealed his face to the world, Kakashi of the Sharingan was scarcely ready to face down a ghost of his past.

He was not, on the other hand, mentally prepared to bear witness to _this _though!

Unequal eyes full of deep loathing, one rinnegan and the other a three-tomoe Sharingan, glared daggers across the scarred battlefield and the enemies fighting for their lives. Uzumaki Naruto, the container of the Nine-tailed Fox. Killer Bee, the jinchuriki of the Eight-tailed Octopus Ox. Might Gai, premier taijutsu specialist of Konoha. And Hatake Kakashi, master of one-thousand ninjutsu. 'Madara' growled as the last vestiges of his disguise crumbled to the dirt and it took all the silver-haired jounin's restraint not to shout out in complete shock.

Naruto took care of that for him.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIT?!"

Spiky black hair so similar to Naruto's suddenly lost rigidity as the mask was wrecked, drooping down and gaining a shiny luster in the process as the individual locks curved back into a familiar bowl cut. High, pronounced cheekbones sunk into the face which exposed small black eyes with pronounced lashes. Underneath the thick shirt Kakashi could make out hints of glossy green where the outer top was torn. When the man smirked, his solid white teeth gleamed uncontrollably in the smoky afternoon air. The son of the White Fang shuddered subconsciously at seeing the double before him. This…this was pure torture.

"It seems I've been found out." he drawled sharply, energetic voice full of energy. "I thought you were one of the best, my _rival_!"

Kakashi's head whipped to the side so fast his neck should've snapped from the gees. Gai was still there, looking just as shocked as can be until a line of static blurred through his chest, causing the ugly dull green bodysuit he had worn for years and likely never took off to waver in an out. The rest of his body followed before Might Gai winked out of existence completely. There was no trace of Team Nine's exuberant sensei, no shouts of 'youth' or flaming expressions. No uncomfortable aura from when the martial artist strolled too close with his hips flared creepily…

Not except for the person in front of him now.

One gloved hand swiftly pointed towards the weird Uchiha. "I'm calling bullshit!"

"W-what? NO! You just never noticed my ingenious plot for what it was!"

"Shenanigans!"

"How dare you, Kakashi!" Sharin-Gai stomped his foot angrily as the commas in his eye swirled dangerously. "Your disbelief is highly unyouthful! The fact of the matter is no one ever realized that I, the Hot-Blooded Blue Beast Might Gai, was truly _Uchiha _Gai all along! Not even your pilfered Sharingan could see through my intricate deception!"

In the background, Naruto allowed his waving golden cloak to dissipate for the first time in what seemed like hours as he watched the person who pretty much made his life living hell strike a thumbs up and _sparkle_. "This…can't be happening. My brain…" Unable to cope with the incredibly stupid plot twist, the blond fell into a crouch with his hands massaging his temples. Bee quietly stood at his side patting him gently on the shoulder. What else could he do? Even the self-proclaimed best rapper around was at a loss for words and that jinchuriki **never **shut his gob.

The man trying to proverbially gut them was a creepy goof. Any terror projected towards the unequally-eyed fighter vanished on the spot. When his visage was hidden behind the blank un-telling mask, the devil known as Tobi was terror in human form. With a file of S-ranked missing ninja at his beck and call, he manipulated the Akatsuki and the world at large as a blank-faced specter wielding a Sharingan. When he shocked the world by renaming himself that fear became worse. Everyone knew about Uchiha Madara; a cofounder of Konohagakure no Sato and one of the most powerful shinobi to ever be born.

Without the mask? Making public that he was not, in fact, a tyrannical madman from the past but instead was merely (and apparently) a tyrannical madman from the _present_...well, Might Gai-I'm sorry, Uchiha Gai,-did not exactly exude the same alarm.

"Wait, wait, wait." Kakashi shook his head violently to try and dispel the sight. "How did you set all of this up? Was it a bunch of genjutsu? Or were you actually in the village the whole time and just put yourself through a grueling, over-the-top constant switcheroo?"

Gai laughed boisterously, head thrown back and chest puffed out like a strutting peacock. A total Gai reaction…yet incredibly out of place on the tattered robes, chipped gunbai, bloody and damaged arm, and the fact he had _two fucking doujutsu _stuck in his head!

"All part of my ingenious plot! One would never suspect Konoha's most eccentric, well-loved, and gorgeous beast of a man! Clever applications of subtle hypnotism and sneakery were enough to thoroughly trick even the most scrutinizing of shinobi!"

"So all those Tuesdays you left the village to find special ingredients for guacamole night was just an excuse to reappear within the Akatsuki?"

"Buh!? How did you know of my ninja-like disappearances!?" Kakashi staggered back as if struck befirerubbing at his incredibly weary eyes and wishing to the Almighty for a lobotomy just to forget everything.

"Gai. You scream your goodbyes whenever you leave. And…you…ugh…" A dribble of blood stained his mask after leaking forcefully out of the scarecrow's nostril while he tried to comprehend everything being thrown at him. This was how he was going to die. Not in battle, or an accident most likely caused by a furious Sakura when her hormones started to act up again, or Anko's 'free-for-all/anything goes' parties…but trying to understand the logic going into the Fourth Great Shinobi War and having his brain liquefy under the duress. That was, like, trying to understand how Tsunade's tits didn't sag at all despite their enormous girth. Or why ninjas stood around shouting the names of their big, flashy techniques instead of just...killing the other person with the least amount of effort.

It was simply better left to the intellectuals.

Except for the Godaime's anti-gravity bust. That would always be high on the great mysteries of life.

"That doesn't mean anything." The formerly masked man replied snootily, flicking his nose in the air and turning away with his arms crossed over his chest.

"Your voice echoed around the entire village! You would even 'sneakaround'_-_" Here Kakashi's fingers rose and mimed a set of air quotes. "-while _loudly _humming some kind of theme song and running around like no one could see you!"

"Oh yeah! That's how I learned to escape after setting off a prank!" A shrill shout exploded from the stewing blond as he suddenly rocketed back to life, a set of thin bloody streaks leaking from his ears. Thinking was not his strongest talent. "Whoa…dizzy…"

What Naruto failed to mention was how he once got caught up in one of the turncoat jounin's weekly flights and the ensuing events were so horrifying to the (at the time) six-year old's innocent mindset that it wounded him emotionally. And indefinitely. It was the reason why the jinchuriki ran like a man possessed whenever he could, simply because the flashbacks would creep into his vision and he'd try to flee from the imaginary green spandex monster. So much _bulge _it was unnatural. Why was the man's clothes soaking wet in the middle of the day? It…WHY WAS HE RUNNING LIKE A CRAB DOWN THE STREETS CROTCH FIRST!?

Naruto was now back in his corner, huddled up against Killer Bee and gently sobbing into the man's sleeveless arms.

Bee was _not _in his comfort zone at the moment.

"See? Even Naruto knew about it and he's as dense as a rock…and, uh, apparently calling out for his happy place."

"Ramen seas…ramen hot tub…"

"N-no matter! Even knowing of my actions meant nothing in the end!"

"Yeah about that…I thought for sure the man behind the helmet was Obito."

Sharin-Gai shook his head, like a parent trying to find reason behind a child's foolish statement. "Nope. What a terrible guess." The taijutsu Uchi-Might-Youth abomination finished by waving a gloved hand dismissively. "He died under a rock, remember? It's not like he somehow survived because a long dead villain saved him at the last minute. What an unyouthful plot device. That's stupid. You're stupid."

"You're stupid." Kakashi muttered under his breath.

"But I suppose if you truly wish to hear about it all before I use the flames of justice to end your lives, so be it! It all started back during the Chunin Exams of our childhood…doodilee doo, doodilee doo!" The Akatsuki mastermind's mirror wheel eye began to spin as he cast the (patent-pending) flashback genjutsu, accompanied by his fingers wiggling in time with the nonsensical words.

The world waivered as the illusion took hold and Gai's voiceover echoed around the area.

_How easy. Uchiha Obito never stood a chance against his secret kinsman. The youthful and insanely powerful Gai never did like his given family name and how it was too similar to a frail paper fan and instead changed it to something manly. Incredibly manly. Grand. Mighty. __**Might**__! Any who, one kick was all it took to knock his blowhard cousin on his rump and get the match called in his favor. Hardly enough to fan the flames of his fiery passion and show just how worthy he was for the position of chunin but one must wait for their labors to bloom, after all._

_The scoreboard whirred again as Gai remained in the arena; the smart and handsome young man had volunteered to fight twice as there was an uneven amount of ninja and he was willing to sacrifice himself for the cause and reveal just how kindly he could be. His opponent? The similarly powerful but still less-handsome and nowhere near as classy Hatake Kakashi. The adolescent with the stylish haircut felt his blood boil in anticipation. To fight against such another shinobi with flames that roared to the heavens! Thunder would rumble and mountains would shake from the intensity of their bout!_

…_but it was over in a flash._

_Gai, beaten and bloody but still an undeniably striking son-of-a-gun, laid on the ground as the proctor called the match to an end. It was a fine battle; the other masked boy appeared significantly ruffled although not as badly as the second genin in attendance. Running a hand through his hip raven locks, the wonderful Might Gai extended his second hand forward towards Kakashi in a show of his unrivaled genial nature. "Nice fight, Kakashi! Truly, my newest rival, our match was one for the ages!" _

_The silver-haired boy currently getting his ear talked off by the moderately attractive Nohara Rin barely twitched in his direction. When the child realized another was speaking, he finally turned and spoke the words that would set poor misunderstood Gai on his downward spiral of intrigue and deception!_

"_Hm? You say something?"_

_Disgusting. How could a person say something so horrid and foul? A vile sentence utterly __**vile**__ enough to cause enough psychological damage to unlock his famiy's innate bloodline. How...DARE he! To think he would be so smug and hip about a victory! Sore winner! Where was the honor in his actions?_

_Fists quaked in unbridled anger as he spun around and stared venomously at the far wall, eyes blurred with honest tears at how un-special Gai currently felt. That sentence…how could someone say such disgusting words? Horrible enough to damage the poor, misunderstood child's now fragile mental stability. Eyeballs prickled and burned as the irises bled red and black without prompt. Every crack in the wall, every dirty brick…it all zoomed into crystal clear high-definition as the Sharingan finally unlocked at two tomoe each._

_A cruel smirk overtook the heartbroken but magnificent shinobi's lips at the revelation of what he discovered that very day. Might Gai would have his revenge! He didn't know when, he didn't know how, but it would be so! The boy may have thrown away his birth name but the raven-haired ninja would gladly use the gifts granted to him through his genes. He would need new clothes though…yes…an outfit grand enough to espouse the unending glory of his eternal flames! Something that would enhance his inherent qualities, a guise that would yell his name across the far reaches of the world __**and**__ be considered the indestructible source of his power!_

_SOMETHING YOUTHFUL!_

_Something green…_

"I KNOW WHAT TO DO!" Naruto suddenly shouted again, nearly blowing out Bee's eardrums and cracking a fissure along the right lens of his sunglasses while simultaneously destroying the encompassing genjutsu with the force alone. A large rock was uprooted like it weighted nothing more than a cloud, flung away into the distance where a lost and unfortunate Zetsu clone was crushed into a marshmallowy goo. Everyone in attendance watched him root around in the newly revealed hole because, hey, it was a rather curious action during such a dramatic point in the battle. Crowing in triumph, Naruto swiveled onto the balls of his feet before jumping into the air. Clutched between his palms was a…

Forest green spandex bodysuit?

Kakashi's hand slapped noisily to his face as his blond student ran back over like an excited puppy retrieving a tennis ball. "Naruto…I don't even…**why** do you have one of Gai's jumpsuits? Better yet, how did you even know there was one there in the first place?" he asked, already regretting the answer when the teen slid to a stop next to him. His grin didn't help matters either.

"I put them all over the Elemental Nations. Back when I traveled with Ero-sennin. Y'know, in case of a spandex emergency."

"That's just wrong on so many levels…"

"And yet _I _am the one able to end this madness!" Tugging on the collar of the limp outfit dangling in his arms, the boy quickly placed his hands together with the object now hanging over his arms as he formed his most obvious handsign. Everyone, even Gai, watched quietly as the area immediately filled up with a copious amount of Uzumaki clones all sporting their own spandex horror clutched to their chests. For one horrified, terrible minute the one-eyed scarecrow believed his student(s) were about to tug the horrible clothing on and wear them.

Instead, the legion of blonds each grabbed a handful of the objects in their hands and pulled.

One long, heart-rending ripping noise filled the barren wasteland as each and every chakra construct of Uzumaki Naruto ripped their green packages to shreds. Or it may have been Gai's heart as he was forced to take in such a terrible, ghastly sight. And due to the fact his copy eye was activated it absorbed the memory and locked it into his mind permanently.

With a slack jaw, starch white skin, and unresponsive countenance, Uchiha *Might* Gai crumpled to the dirt bonelessly like an unresponsive marionette with cut strings. Foam frothed from his open mouth to form a small but nasty puddle, and those still conscious could tell he was down for good. The terrible mastermind behind it all was finally finished; let's see him teleport outta this one!

Since…y'know…the mental trauma just fried his brain.

"Well…good job Naruto? How'd you know that would work?"

"He said the suit was his source of power!"

"…what? But that…doesn't…"

One aneurysm and raikiri later (with many, many more stabs into the prone male's body than completely necessary by an almost frenzied Kakashi until there was literally nothing left but a pile of goop finally fried to a crisp by fire techniques) and Gai's reign of terror had been ended for good. Without the head honcho to lead the army, the Zetsu clones wouldn't really have a goal to fight for. No one else had the eyes to initiate the Moon's Eye Plan except Sasuke and the biju would all be freed after the statue's destruction…they'd figure out what to do with all the big monsters at a later date.

"Now I just have to beat up Sasuke and drag him back home!"

"Do it on your own time. We need to tell everyone else we've one and that all that remains is Kabuto and the Zetsu."

"But what about Captain Yamato?" Naruto asked, wondering the fate of his other Team Seven sensei. The Mokuton-user was captured and likely used against his will in helping to create all the white-skinned plant people.

"Leave him."

"Where'll the biju-"

"They can stay there for now."

The blond pouted angrily at getting cut off at every turn. "Hinata-"

"Wants your dick. She already admitted this. Man up and talk to her already."

"W-what about-"

"Naruto!" The copycat shinobi slapped a hand over the boy's mouth and held him down. Veins pulsed angrily in both of his exposed eyes, scaring the blond with how frantic he seemed. "Stop. Talking. Now." Grabbing at elder man's gloved palms Naruto pulled the disgusting item away (one was still covered in bits of gore) and cringed.

"Then I just wanna know how Gai-sensei came up with the idea to take over the world with a genjutsu." he asked quietly while spitting out small bloody chunks of the deceased man's duodenum. Kakashi raised a finger to snap off an angry retort but fell short. Then he inhaled deeply before realizing he still had nothing to go on and pushed away from his student, stroking his chin in thought.

That was actually a good question.

"I don't rightly know. Welp. Oh well. We better return to the others and tell them the good news."

"…so that's it? We're just gonna wrap it up like that?"

"What else is there? The bad guy's dead and it's not like the Zetsu have a leader. They can either go away or get killed. You and Sasuke can have your climactic final battle that ends either you dying, him kicking the bucket, both of you croaking, or a happy ending that'll have the fanfic writers, shippers, and otaku's squealing like crazy. And let's see Kabuto stand up to the entirety of the United Shinobi Forces when all his zombies are sealed away."

Bee was still there too by the way in case you were wondering, still lamenting over the loss of half of his bitchin' shades.

"No more loose ends I can think of, no more plot twists…and no more overpowered hijinx!"

Things were finally looking up.

A pity they had no idea of the shitstorm brewing on the other side of the battlefield.

The five Kage stood across from the stoic and _real(?)_ Uchiha Madara summoned into the material world, who watched them all through his Mangekyo Sharingan with necrotic arms crossed over his armored torso. The quintet put up an amusing fight but the deceased warrior was ready to end it all. The small link between himself and his patsy was gone; it appears the younger Uchiha lost his life.

Oh well.

Not even Madara was sure what Gai wanted anymore, even when the man first found the kid skulking around his favorite truffles tree outside of Konoha. It was a boring and convoluted story after that with the Uchiha scion teaching the bowl-cut to reach new heights in power but in the end they were able to cut a deal. Help Madara pull the world into a mass-genjutsu using the moon for his own nefarious purposes, and Gai could preach the positives of the spandex to the hypnotized people as well as teaching a certain grey-haired boy manners.

Simple.

Now his pawn was gone…but at least his own life was still going strong. None of these people ever even realized how fucked they truly were.

"Five on one and you still cannot take me down?" he called out mockingly, reveling in seeing them all bristle at his taunt. Especially one of them…a certain pigtailed blonde with huge knockers.

Oh how he despised her.

The way she always treated him.

Her comeuppance would be justified.

"…we can hear you!"

"What?"

"You just said all of that out loud!"

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did!" Tsunade screamed, green coat flapping about in the wind. "And what the hell are you talking about? We've never even spoken before, or interacted in any way!"

Madara's calm veneer cracked in an instant as he took a step towards the perplexed Hokage. She didn't know. _SHE DIDN'T KNOW!_ "Day in and day out I'm forced to listen to your drivel, feel my nose burn after smelling that disgusting swill you call a drink, and whenever you're not acting like you're on your period I get mashed in between those fat sacs of flesh sagging off your torso and nearly die each time! I _hate_ you with every fiber of my being!"

The five Kages were all too shocked by the man's odd, venomous attack to even come up with a response.

"I'm tired of playing with you all. This world will be mine and you will all be dead, unfit to remain in my new realm! I will have to shed this form to reach the upper tier of my power, but you will all bear witness to my true face before entering utter oblivion! Everyone thought this was the real Madara but I've only stolen his body!"

A gloved hand rose up to eye level and swiped them over the red and black doujutsu. The fake pale skin around the orbs flaked away at his touch, bleeding purple as the Sharingan lost its elaborate design for a more basic pattern: concentric rings. But the change into the Rinnegan didn't stop there. Long raven hair and counterfeit flesh peeled into ash and lost itself in the wind, shrinking in size and shape before taking on the outline of someone intimately familiar to the blonde Senju.

No…NO! It couldn't be! This made absolutely no sense!

Small pointy ears, bright pink skin, rosy red cheeks, a squat nose, and slanted squinty eyes. Oh god, this was terrible! How did this happen? Seriously, _how did this happen!?_ No one could have ever seen **this** coming, especially those that were always in the mystery person's vicinity!

It was also actually so stupid Tsunade fell to her knees, manicured fingers clutching desperately at her temples while believing she must have been shit-faced again. It was the only explanation as to why _she_, not he, was over there with their less-than-human-sized head sprouting out of the top of the wholly human body like some weird invasive parasite.

"Oink , oink…" the devil grunted evilly.

It really made no sense at all.

What kind of twisted person would write this?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_A/N: I'm sorry. This and Naruto the Orange were the only things that sorta survived when my laptop decided to fuck up. So I figured I'd get them out to at least post __**something**__. Crappy cheap Toshiba…all my friends have awesome gaming computers and I have to wait forever for shit to load when I play League or something off of Steam._

_Also I apologize for the absurdity of this one-shot._

_Would you believe me if I said the reason this exists was when my friend and I were playing Ultimate Ninja Storm 3 months ago and we were joking about who could be under the mask (Note: this happened way before the Obito reveal)? Also we're both idiots and soon enough I was speaking like Gai, taunting Kakashi for never realizing his greatest rival was a criminal mastermind set to rule the world. God it was funny…we were also a bit drunk._

_It also gave rise to a similar absurd Legend of Korra joke:_

_Bolin was Amon all along! No one would suspect himself about to take his own bending while onstage! The perfect cover!_

_Not really._

_But that would've been one hell of a Shyamalan twist._

…_I hope he doesn't read this and decide to make a Korra movie._


End file.
